My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
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[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Seas the day!!!!
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Just had my nails done!
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
I don’t get marriage
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
welp
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.