Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
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[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.