Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
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Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
lol
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes