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I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar