It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
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Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”