Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
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Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call