Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
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A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Beware…..
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”