if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
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My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”