I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
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Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*