Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
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a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
At least he brought enough for everyone
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.