it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
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if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.