Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
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If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
My apartment is a mess, I should move
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.