Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
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PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.