Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
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Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales