wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
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One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass