When the stylist spins you back around
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A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!