[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
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“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.