All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
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contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
shut up and take my money
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
I am never leaving this website
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women