Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
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Seas the day!!!!
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*