My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
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[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
*puts words between two asterisks*
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Word.
~ Microsoft.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*