“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
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My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
*seductively eats two tums*
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.