Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
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[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?