[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
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[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
No chill.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden