Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
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[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
My last name is Zilla.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
I’m not stressed