Oh my god
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[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy