“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
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These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?