me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
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him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”