HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
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first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Cheers Twitter.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Happy weekend !
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Who wants to be my Valentine?