I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
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gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Time for evil
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.