Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
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If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.