Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
You Might Also Like
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.