Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
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I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.