I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
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[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
gm
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
This checks out
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.