just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
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If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.