7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
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DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.