My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
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What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
*email from Amazon*
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im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Ion see the issue
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Mmmm. Shoeshi
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom