One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
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Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time