A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
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During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
first you must answer his riddles
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
I can fix him.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
This could be us… but you playing
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
plums roundup
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?