got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
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can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Happy thanksgiving
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !