North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
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WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.