Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
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Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
The cashier just checked me out.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Best seat on the street 😍
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great