[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
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Delightful if true: booby trap.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
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