Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
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Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Sorry not sorry.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/