My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
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A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Sing it!
If only.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
work smarter, not harder
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.