The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
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If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.