A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
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I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.