I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
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I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
This bar smells like my childhood.