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landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine