I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
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Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.