The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
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Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
‘I know a black person’
– White people
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
“What movie?” 🤔